a look back...

For as long as I can remember, I've been convinced that there is a reason behind every occurrence in our lives.  It's probably why I love the movie Serendipity so much.  As the hopeless romantic Sara, Kate Beckinsale is enamored with those "happy accidents" that change our lives.  Buying gloves at Bloomingdale’s introduces Sara to Jonathan... and let me tell you something:  any accident that puts me on the path to John Cusack is a happy one.  If you haven't seen it, run, don't walk, to the nearest redbox!  Add it to your Netflix queue posthaste!

I digress. 

I think it was serendipity that put me into this class at this particular point in my life.  I need the course material for my teaching licensure program -- but more than that, I think I needed the nudge into a closer look at my own spirituality. 

I'm delighted to report that daily meditation has become a habit for me, and I intend to continue with the practice, even though the class is drawing to a close.  Even the title I chose for this blog is serendipitous:  I think I have become kinder and gentler in these last 12 weeks.  The difference is evident in my attitude:  I'm slower to overreact, and quicker to forgive.  (Oh, I still have my "moments" -- I just have to think of myself as a work in progress.) 

This is not the first time that the hand of fate has intervened and provided for me, even if I didn't recognize the gift at the time.  I carry two permanent reminders of my own spirituality every day:  I have two small tattoos that are deeply significant.  One is a starfish; it is a Christian symbol for the Virgin Mary.  (Stella Maris, the star of the sea, is said to provide guidance and safe passage for travelers.  I've interpreted travel in a broad sense to mean my travels through life in general.)  The other is a seahorse, which is widely acknowledged as a symbol of grace and perseverance under pressure.  I put a lot of time and thought into choosing these symbols before committing them to permanent placement; I love the imagery of the symbolism and the aquatic theme. 

At the time, though, I had no way of knowing that I would need these very qualities to get through some rough waters.  The year 2008 was full of major life changes for me:  I lost a grandparent, had a milestone birthday and called off my planned wedding, all in the span of six months.  I spent a good year or so adjusting to these changes, and in looking back, I realize that there must have been some divine intervention in my life.  There had to have been something greater than myself at work.  As Mother Teresa has said, "I know God will not give me anything  I can’t handle.  I just wish He didn’t trust me so much."  This has long been one of my favorite quotes; it seems to me that it sums up my overall relationship with faith and religion. 

But perhaps the greatest effect of all is that meditation has helped grow my understanding of spirituality.  I've mentioned a few times in these posts that I consider myself a practicing Catholic, and I do love my faith.  However, I’ll readily admit that my spirituality isn’t limited to Catholicism.  

I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love as a side companion to my meditation this semester.  I'd been meaning to read it anyway, and I thought it would pair well with my own effort.  While it's not going to make my list of must-read book recommendations, I found one segment particularly enlightening:

"Om Namah Shivaya.  I honor the divinity that resides within me."  (Gilbert 2006, 120)

My sister is getting married in June; like me, she was raised Catholic, but she has developed a slightly different relationship with faith through her own experiences.  She is marrying a wonderful guy who was raised in a different denomination of Christianity.  The two of them spent a lot of time and thought on how to celebrate their ceremony, and arrived at this decision:  they want me to be the officiant.

I was flattered, but not sure I was up to the task.  In asking me, she said that she knew I could handle the "performance" aspect of the ceremony, since I have a natural comfort level with speaking in front of people.  But more importantly, she said, they want someone who knows the two of them and can help make their ceremony truly spiritually significant.  My meditation and the comparative studies I've done through this class have helped me feel much more prepared for this awesome responsibility.

In my first post, I talked about being a busy girl; we've all got things that demand our time and attention and energy, every day.  For me, this semester has been a potpourri of working a full-time job and taking a full-time load of classes, moving into a new apartment, traveling to my hometown at least once per month... plus the errands we all have, like grocery shopping and spring cleaning... oh, and that thing called sleep!  For that reason, it took a while to adjust to carving out time for an "experimental" spiritual practice. 

But that same reason is why meditation has become so important.  Ten minutes a day, spent in quiet reflection, has done more to help quiet my noisy mind than a month's worth of afternoon naps.  I tend to want control of my surroundings and circumstances, and in times past (for example, that fall of 2008 when everything seemed to hit the fan at once), shifts in my personal universe were a major source of frustration, fear and sadness.  As I said, I have to call myself a work in progress, but the ability and willingness to "let go, let God" is starting to come easier to me.

side effects

At the outset of this class, we were given a set of slides as an introduction to the approach the course would take in studying religion.  It was made clear that we'd be studying various religions of the world in side-by-side comparison, and not in an attempt to declare one greater than another.  The thing that has stayed with me thus far through the coursework is the point that religion is a human creation, born of a psychological need, to make sense of human suffering and search for the meaning of life, and to give hope for an afterlife.

I'm fortunate to be in a relationship with someone of the same faith.  "J" and I were both raised in Catholic families; we have both observed Lent and celebrated Easter for our entire lives.  However, we have several friends who espouse other creeds, and a few who do not practice any type of religion.  

It's the latter that got me thinking for this blog post.  In our observance of Lent, both J and I steer clear of meat and poultry on Fridays, opting instead for fish or meat-free meals.  We had the pleasure of joining friends for lunch this Friday, and in deciding where to meet, J told our friends that we'd prefer a restaurant that wasn't "meat-centric" -- let's save the barbecue joints for another day!

At that point, one of the group launched into his typical response whenever the subject of religion is broached:  rolling eyes, audible snorts of disdain, and a short diatribe on how "it's all such a bunch of bull."

J and I ignored it; sadly, it's not the first time we've heard it, so when he chooses to air these opinions, we tune it out and change the subject.  However, this was the first encounter I'd had with this character since enrolling in this course and beginning daily meditation, and all I could think of was that definition.  My own philosophy has long been that faith is the divine, and that religion is the human interpretation -- and as such, there are flaws inherent in the creation.  To me, it's a simple case of function over form:  humanity needs something to fill that void.

The meditations I've been doing have been focused primarily on things for which I'm grateful.  An unexpected side benefit is that I find myself less likely to overreact to things, and less likely to react in knee-jerk fashion.  Rather than feeding into this person's negativity, I felt comforted in the knowledge that I have the ability to be tolerant and appreciative of things I don't necessarily understand. 

'tis the season

I've been thinking about this post for a couple days now, as this past Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent for us Catholics.  I call myself a practicing Catholic; though I don't go to Mass as regularly as my Catholic school background would have me go, I consider myself active in my faith, and here's why.  

First, I do pray regularly.  It's probably a 50/50 split between traditional scripted prayers and free-form "conversation" with God.  (For the record, my favorite go-to traditional prayer is the Memorare of St. Bernard.  It's lovely and comforting... and my entire high school said it together every Friday of the academic year, so it's familiar and has very special meaning for me.) 

And second, I observe the practices of our faith.  Ash Wednesday begins Lent, the season in which Roman Catholics prepare for the coming of the kingdom of Christ (signified by His resurrection on Easter).  We honor the season with fasting (taking just one meal) on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, and with abstinence (from meat and foods made with meat) on Fridays.  Abstinence also takes the form of "giving up" something; making some personal sacrifice for the 40 days of Lent.

(Side note:  my sacrifice this year is that I've given up all caffeinated beverages.  None of that glorious french toast coffee for me; no Diet Coke, which practically runs in my veins; not even iced tea, unless it's green.  God be with me... and with those I encounter!)

Ash Wednesday is also the day when you'll notice your coworkers and friends walking around with inky-black smudges on their foreheads.  No, it's not a bruise; yes, we do wash our faces; this smudge is intentional!  It's a reminder of the fleeting nature of human life and of the original sin that separates us from God.

When I commented to someone about giving up caffeine and getting to Mass on Wednesday, he responded with a roll of his eyes, an audible "ugh" and the rhetorical question:  "you still do that stuff?"  

Well... yeah, I do.  Isn't that what faith is?  Doing the "stuff" your religion holds sacred?

I tell this story here not to make myself sound "holier than thou" but to draw connection to the daily meditation I've been trying to incorporate.  I've always observed Lent, but I realized this week that I haven't always known why I do it.  This year, the daily effort at gratitude has made me pay closer attention to the reasons why I observe the Catholic rituals... and I'm grateful for my faith.

all things great and small

One of the things I am enjoying most about my personal take on this practice is finding joy in some pretty unexpected places.  Using gratitude to direct my meditation is helping me appreciate so much more in my life.  There have been some bigger things, where you would expect someone to feel grateful (grandpa's health taking a good turn) ... but there have also been silly little ones that just improve the day ("hey, they're serving the french toast flavored coffee!").  

Finding the joy in these little life moments as well as in the big obvious ones is kind of the point of my project, anyway.  Complaining and giving in to negative energy is the easy way out.  Looking for the proverbial silver lining takes time and thought and dedication.  Leafing through the notebook I'm using to help me keep track, there are obvious trends; I can clearly see which days were easier to feel the gratitude and which days I grasped at straws to find something to appreciate. 

It's also interesting to note that this effort, to spend time every day focusing on the good, is making me take stock of my relationships.  Being grateful for a favorite flavor of coffee doesn't make sense to everyone.  Though I'm only sharing this project with a few people, I'm quietly considering my interaction with others, and which people in my life may be "toxic" to my thankful attitude.  There are a few I encounter on a fairly regular basis who are a drain on the positive energy I'm trying to cultivate... and in the last week or so, I've begun to put some distance between us. 

And maybe that's the point:  the meditation is quieting my inner noise and making me more mindful of the rest of my life. 

finding vs. making time

In my first post, I mentioned that time seems to fly.  Making meditation a regular act, then, poses a special challenge.  It's a kind of irony in action, that carving out time to slow down my daily pace and "do nothing" takes effort!

That's exactly what it has become:  a conscious effort.  I'm hoping it will become more of a second nature type of act, but I'm not there yet.  I have had to remind myself every day to spend five or ten minutes alone with my thoughts... once or twice, even to the point of getting up out of bed at the end of the night because I'd forgotten it for that day. 

But it's getting easier, and here's my little secret:  I figured out a "cheat" tactic that helps me.  I bought a pretty, purse-sized notebook, and have been jotting down little notes to self as I think of them during the day.  Then, at the end of the day, I've got a starting point for the evening's meditation.  

It's going well, so far.  It's been two weeks since my last journal entry, and while I wouldn't say that the meditation has become a habit yet, I'm definitely well on the way.  It's nice to see that my hoped-for result of living a kinder, gentler life is within reach!

an attitude of gratitude

I'm always excited by assignments that turn into personal projects.  This one is a companion piece to my HUMN 318 class at Franklin University; in our studies of the world's religions, we'll be incorporating a spiritual practice into our own lives where it hadn't been before. 

To that end, I've chosen to add daily meditation into my life.  I'm a busy girl (like so many of us) and I find that it's very easy to arrive at the end of the day with no idea where my time has really gone.  Sure, there were those hours at the office, and the mile on the treadmill, and the mindless TV white noise while J and I ate dinner... but as I grow older, I'm discovering more and more that my parents were right, and that time really does fly.

It's my goal, then, to learn to employ meditation as a way of slowing myself down.  Psychologists and behaviorists have many  theories as to how long it takes to form a new habit, but I think -- I hope! -- that a twelve-week class will be long enough to help me!  The appeal of meditation lies in the idea that it is rooted in self-care.  At the risk of sounding like a therapy session on paper, I'm eager to see the benefits, both personally and professionally. 

Learning Meditation is a useful site for beginners like me; it explains the concept of meditation in simple language and offers several suggestions for how to begin.  Each includes time spent alone in quiet thought, free from distraction.  It's going to be a challenge, but I am ready to tackle it.  What's more, I feel like I need it.

This blog will serve as a record of my meditative journey.  I am, by nature, a list maker, a writer, a romantic... and those three in combination will spur me to keep track of how it's going. I've decided to take it a step further, to give the daily meditation some focus.  I will be spending my quiet minutes reflecting on something (or someone!) for which I am grateful.  I've said many times before that I lead a charmed life... whether it has been by luck or fate or divine intervention, the fact remains that I have much for which I am thankful, and I am looking forward to making gratitude a consistent part of my life. 

This week posed a few challenges.  There were a couple incidents that provoked some pretty strong emotions, and on those days, it was a little tougher to find something to appreciate.  The end result, however, was exactly as I'd hoped!  In forcing myself to find good in the day, I was able to quiet negative thoughts and clear my head.

I'm looking forward to continued progress.  Stay tuned!